Talkin' Jive Turkey

Most bachelors aren't going to be cooking Thanksgiving dinners this week.

BUT---with turkeys so cheap, I'm certain a lot of bachelors will be buying birds anyhow. I remember my first Thanksgiving after college, I'd moved to Colorado with my band, and we were tight on funds. We each bought a $5 fifteen pound turkey the day before Thanksgiving, and ate turkey right up through spring.

Let's talk about cooking turkey. Most likely you're going to buy a frozen one. I truly believe the best way to thaw it is in the fridge, which takes 2-3 days depending on size. You can do it in a few hours in a sink full of cold water, but you risk a lot of food contamination issues, which I don't think is worth it. But, if you HAVE to do it, be sure to keep the water cold by changing it every hour or so.

Once you've got a thawed bird, clean out the insides. There's usually a bag of gizzards and shit in there. Rinse the bird well, and pat down.

Personally, I like to use a brine. I also like to use oven bags. That's how I'm going to teach you. With a brine we'll want it to marinade for at least 24 hours in the fridge. You can also just season the bird and bake it, but it's not as good. Follow the baking instructions on the package of the oven bags for the size of your bird. From here on out we're just talking brine, son.

Here's what I make, for about a 15lb bird.

1 gallon vegetable stock (or broth)
1 cup sea salt
2 tablespoons black pepper
2 dashes each of sage, savory, thyme, oregano, basil
1 cup apple juice
about a gallon of ice water
a 5 gallon bucket

In a large pot, mix everything but the water, and bring to a boil. Stir the entire time. Once you feel you've got an even mixture, remove from heat and let it cool.

Now what you'll do is pour it into your big ass bucket, and add the ice water. Stir it up, little darling, stir it up!

Next, submerge your bird in that shit. Make sure it gets into the cavity. Soak that dirty bird! (well, actually... hopefully you cleaned it as instructed above)

The next day you'll drain it good, pop it in an oven bag, and bake as instructed. When the bird is done, drain all of the drippings from the oven bag into a sauce pan. Heat it on your stove, gradually stirring in a teaspoon of flour at a time and whisking it good. There's your gravy, beyotch!

Whatever.