Talkin' Jive Turkey

Most bachelors aren't going to be cooking Thanksgiving dinners this week.

BUT---with turkeys so cheap, I'm certain a lot of bachelors will be buying birds anyhow. I remember my first Thanksgiving after college, I'd moved to Colorado with my band, and we were tight on funds. We each bought a $5 fifteen pound turkey the day before Thanksgiving, and ate turkey right up through spring.

Let's talk about cooking turkey. Most likely you're going to buy a frozen one. I truly believe the best way to thaw it is in the fridge, which takes 2-3 days depending on size. You can do it in a few hours in a sink full of cold water, but you risk a lot of food contamination issues, which I don't think is worth it. But, if you HAVE to do it, be sure to keep the water cold by changing it every hour or so.

Once you've got a thawed bird, clean out the insides. There's usually a bag of gizzards and shit in there. Rinse the bird well, and pat down.

Personally, I like to use a brine. I also like to use oven bags. That's how I'm going to teach you. With a brine we'll want it to marinade for at least 24 hours in the fridge. You can also just season the bird and bake it, but it's not as good. Follow the baking instructions on the package of the oven bags for the size of your bird. From here on out we're just talking brine, son.

Here's what I make, for about a 15lb bird.

1 gallon vegetable stock (or broth)
1 cup sea salt
2 tablespoons black pepper
2 dashes each of sage, savory, thyme, oregano, basil
1 cup apple juice
about a gallon of ice water
a 5 gallon bucket

In a large pot, mix everything but the water, and bring to a boil. Stir the entire time. Once you feel you've got an even mixture, remove from heat and let it cool.

Now what you'll do is pour it into your big ass bucket, and add the ice water. Stir it up, little darling, stir it up!

Next, submerge your bird in that shit. Make sure it gets into the cavity. Soak that dirty bird! (well, actually... hopefully you cleaned it as instructed above)

The next day you'll drain it good, pop it in an oven bag, and bake as instructed. When the bird is done, drain all of the drippings from the oven bag into a sauce pan. Heat it on your stove, gradually stirring in a teaspoon of flour at a time and whisking it good. There's your gravy, beyotch!

Whatever.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I had planned on getting some Thanksgiving recipes up here for you, and I still might on Monday, but I've been caught up with other things.

So... Why not enjoy this post from Manofesto featuring the sexiest cooking videos of all time, in the meantime...

http://www.manofest.com/Content/the-10-sexiest-cooking-videos-of-all-time.html

Look At the Calzones On That Guy!

I got a nice care package of lovely food stuffs from my mother today, and am taking a break from cooking up a storm. For dinner tonight I'll be having a NY Style Calzone. This is a delicious meal, that is super easy to make.

You can use one of the tomato sauces from this site to top it. Or you can slack and use a jar. I won't judge you. Out loud.

You'll need:
dough - you can buy frozen dough, or most supermarkets will sell you a round of it now for about a dollar each. I can teach you how to make dough another day.
cheese - you'll need ricotta and a nice pizza blend of mozzarella and other tasty awesomeness.
spinach, mushrooms, onions, garlic, salt, olive oil (about a handful all together)

In a small pan, brown your spinach, mushrooms, onions and garlic in oil with a dash of salt.
Roll out your dough as wide as you can
Sprinkle a layer of your pizza cheese on the dough
spoon your veggie concoction carefully and evenly on top of that cheese.
Spoon your ricotta on top of that, evenly to make a thin layer.
Sprinkle another layer of pizza cheese.
Carefully fold your dough in half and seal together the edges.
Try to shape it like a football or something cohesive.

Bake at 350 for about 20 minutes.

This is a great meal to share. Cut it in two and serve with a salad. Great with a nice glass of wine. Put on some Tony Bennett and dance around the kitchen. Be sure not to drop her when you dip her. And kiss, for God's sake. Kissing is the source of all real magic.

Hell. If they're putting Xmas Lights Up Already...

There are like, 3 houses on my block already putting up Christmas lights, and this bothers me. First off, with the way the world is today, I find it completely selfish to all of humanity to waste electricity on such things. But with a more traditional view of things, it's not even Thanksgiving yet! Listen, I'm not a fan of Christmas as a whole. I find it wasteful. But, I want to find something positive in the season, and so I give you a recipe to get wasteful, or at least wasted with.

Today, dear friends, I offer you my famous holiday punch recipe, printed for the first time. Many have asked for it. I've kept it a secret for years, because though it is quite simple, you'll notice when you serve it, it's as close to an aphrodisiac that you can legally serve.

You will need:
1 bottle of champagne
1 liter of vodka
1 large can of pineapple juice
1 liter of ginger ale
1 gallon of orange sherbet
1 can of strawberries (yes, the canned, we want the syrup they're in)
At least one box of condoms

Mix everything but the sherbet, strawberries and condoms in a big punch bowl. Add the sherbet on top, but stir a little. Ooooooh bubbles! Dress the concoction by pouring the can of strawberries slowly on top. Wait for the party to take off. Keep those condoms handy.

Cheers.

Chill in the Air and Chili in my Pot

Someone I don't even know, but follow on Twitter because she seems funny and awesome just posted looking for a good vegan Green Chili recipe, and I have a good one. Maybe others will enjoy it as well. Even though I'm not vegan, I grew up with lots of vegan family members. If anybody is ever looking for recipes, I've got 'em. I had to learn how to make a lot of things I love to share with the meat and dairy free people I love. As always, feel free to ask. (mjsalamone at gmail)

What you'll need:
1 whole onion, I prefer to use a white one. No, that's not racist.
4-6 cloves of garlic, depending on size
48 ounces of vegetable stock (canned, frozen or homemade, use chicken if not vegan)
As many roasted green chilis as you can get! Well, at least a dozen. It's better if you've got about 20 though. These will need to be peeled. (very important: wash your hands thoroughly after peeling chilis! Especially before touching your face or going to the bathroom!)
Salt, pepper, olive oil, flour

In a big pot, saute your olive oil, onions and garlic until the onions are soft and brown, and your kitchen smells awesome. Add about 12 ounces of the stock and your chilis. Bring to a boil, stirring often. Then add the rest of your stock, and simmer slowly until boiling. Stir in 4 tablespoons of flour to thicken. Stir that shit like crazy with a whisk so that there aren't any lumps, chumps! Simmer for another hour on the lowest of low heats. Salt and pepper to taste.

Serve with warm tortillas and shots of your favorite tequila!

Areba!

Life is Better Pumpkin Flavored

I'm a serious pumpkin addict, every autumn. I love pumpkin coffee, beer, bread, cake, milkshakes, you name it. And considering the retweets and likes I got from when the title of this post was used on my Facebook and Twitter, I can tell that women love pumpkin everything too. That's good enough to share two recipes I played with this past week.

When my friend @musenews posted on Twitter that she was eating pumpkin pretzels, I became obsessed. I found a few different recipes online, but adapted them to what I had in the pantry. They turned out amazingly. I hope you try these.

You'll need:
1/4 - 1/2 cup of warm water
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 package of active yeast
1 cup of canned pumpkin puree
4 cups of flour
dash of salt
teaspoon of olive oil
8 cups of boiling water
2 tablespoons baking powder

Got a big bowl? Not the smoking kind, hippie. Put the warm water and stir in the sugar. Add the yeast and let it activate. This takes a couple of minutes. Then stir in the pumpkin. Now add the flour and salt. Beat the crap out of this mix until you have a nice dough. Feel free to add more water if it's too stiff. (That's what she said.) Keep kneading for like, 10 minutes. Brush that ball of dough with the olive oil. Now wrap it lightly in plastic wrap and a warm, damp towel. Let the dough rise in a warm place for about an hour.

Here comes the fun. Preheat an oven to 475. Bring the water and baking soda to a boil. Cut your dough ball into 6 to 8 even chunks. Roll out each chunk and shape your pretzels. Get creative! I tried to make jack-o-lantern shapes. Boil those bastards for a minute on each side, one at a time. Place them on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Sprinkle with salt and then bake.

I drizzled my finished pretzels with melted semi-sweet chocolate chips. I think chocolate cream cheese dip would have been ideal. I toyed around making a pumpkin frosting. Really, the choices are endless.

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So, for the pretzels, I'd opened a giant can of pumpkin puree, and was trying to think of something non-sweet to use the rest on, since I had a bunch of sweet pretzels to eat already. The pumpkin worked so well in dough form, and I'm a good Italian boy, so I made pasta. It. Was. Awesome.

2 cups of flour
dash of salt
1/2 cup of pumpkin
teaspoon of olive oil
teaspoon of water

Like any good fresh pasta, be prepared to play with the flour and water amounts to get it right. Use your hands to toss all of this stuff together until you have a nice, firm ball. (That's what she said.) Roll dough into a warm, damp towel, and let it sit for about 20 minutes. Shape how you see fit. (I rolled it out and cut little moon shapes.) Boil for about 2 minutes, give or take based on thickness of your pasta shapes.

For sauces, I personally just tossed it in a little olive oil and salt and pepper. I think a nice cream sauce would be elegant as well. Maybe something sweet? It'd be fine with just marinara or Alfredo too. Iz good shite. I promise.

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Always a Place in Her Heart AND Her Stomach

I sort of let this blog go, but it just came up in conversation for about the 5th time this month, so I thought I'd add a post. It isn't that I don't still love to cook and want you all to know how to do so. I very much do. It's just that my heart wasn't behind the seduction aspect of things anymore. I'm personally looking for something more "real" in my life.I mean, to the point that I had dreams of holding hands last night. If I can't be with someone I care about, I don't want to settle for second best. But enough of my sappy, I'm done with cheap thrills crap. You came here for sweet, sensual food.

An earlier post to this site about how to make soup was based on an ex writing to me saying that even after many years, she still craved it. Well, today she contacted me, begging for the recipe. I remembered the Bachelor Pad Kitchen and sent her the link.

It made me think that the Bachelor Pad Kitchen may still be able to fit into my new way of life. I mean, this wasn't some cheap seduction. We were so very much in love then. She worked in film and I was going to school, hours apart from each other. We found a weekend to escape together to her parent's lakeside cabin. It was all very sweet, which I will now ruin the image of by telling you that I got more head for this soup than most men get in their entire relationship. But hey, this is the Bachelor Pad Kitchen. That's the sort of thing I need to divulge.

This isn't a healthy soup, by any means. But it is absolutely delicious. And simple. She wants to know how to make the basic Cream of Mushroom. Which today I would suggest adding a dash of nutmeg as a garnish, and maybe a little shaved apple. But, this soup can be adapted readily to any cream soup. I recently made it with crab. I'm considering trying a pumpkin curry variety this week. You can adapt it so very many ways. The original recipe post is here. May your kitchens be warm with love.
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